Ministry of Moral Panic by Amanda Lee Koe

Author:Amanda Lee Koe [Koe, Amanda Lee]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9789810757328
Google: EhqlDQAAQBAJ
Amazon: B01MYWUBS2
Publisher: Epigram Books
Published: 2013-06-15T13:18:08.184000+00:00

7.

Do I feel alone now?

Every single day.

Not too long ago, I was trying to catch the eye of every older man around. At the void deck, at the supermarket, at the neighbourhood park. I wanted someone in my life again. After a long time, one day, someone looked back at me. The moment our eyes locked, I felt a deadweight tiredness in my bones. When he stood up from the park bench and walked towards me, I fled.

A relationship means exhaustion. Entrapment. I haven’t the energy for the eventuality of it. Love is no big truth.

There was a point when I was lying down so much, I forgot to bathe for days. I forgot to eat. My daughter would come visit me—she stays with her in-laws, they have a terrace house—and she would fan her nose when she talked to me, asking me to eat the rice sets she’d bought. She started speaking to me in English, though we’d always spoken in Mandarin, though she knew I barely had a handful of English words. But always, in a few hours, she would leave. Even if I didn’t eat, even if I didn’t bathe.

After some time, I began bathing and eating whenever she came. Not to make her feel better, but to make myself feel better. Because if the situation were somehow reversed, I would never leave. I would make her better. They would have to rip me from her bedside.

I threw my bed away. Depression is easy when you have a bed.

I’m well now. The floor makes for good sleep.

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